New car!

As sad as I was to bid adieu to my trusty steed of 15 years, my 1998 Ford Escort, I have to admit that I am truly enjoying the fancy features of my new car.  I can now make the windows go up and down by pressing a button, pop the trunk from the inside of the car, and have both heat AND air conditioning.. welcome to 1950s luxury!  The finest feature of all can be seen below though:

wait for it...

wait for it…Goldfish compartment open

I paid an extra $85,000 for this feature, but how could I live without a Goldfish compartment???  More important than working brakes if you ask me.  Now all I need is fingerprint identification locks for the compartment and I’ll be all set.

 

School’s back in session

How appropriate that I encountered a school of fish in my sack of Goldfish!

school

“Ring the bell, school’s in, sucka”

That’s a three-headed ghidorah of deliciousness.  But what does it mean?  It must be a sign… but what??  I should consume 3 times more Goldfish than I do?  Probably.  Somebody get me a backhoe and a funnel the size of a bathtub, toot sweet!

Recipe #5: Goldfish Stuffing

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  Now that you’ve consumed 180,000,000 calories worth of pie and had to file a disability claim in order to work from home because you can’t fit through the subway car doors, I figured this would be a great time to post my new recipe so you can eat even more and continue to live the dream.  I bring you… Goldfish Stuffing!

InGREEDYents (see what I did there?):

A fat-ass loaf of bread.  I picked sourdough, but you should pick something else because.. well.. you’ll see.
A 10.75 can of cream of mushroom soup
A 10.75 can of vegetable broth
2 teaspoons of water (I know a guy who can get you this at a decent price, holla at ya boy)
1 teaspoon of poultry dressing or Adobo or something similar
Pepper and salt (I switched the words around just for the sake of switching them.  I went there.)
1/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 cup of crushed up pecans
An absurd amount of Goldfish

Spread

Bread

Dramatic pic, eh?

OK.  Now.  Pick off small pieces of the bread and throw it in the bowl until it’s all gone.  Then take all that other crap and dump it in a bowl and mush it together with your grubby mitts.  You can toss the Goldfish in whole or lightly crush them in your hand, but it doesn’t have to be crumbified (I guess it can be if you want it to be, but it won’t be as visible if it is).

Mixture

Then, take this sticky abomination out of the bowl and form a loaf out of it and wrap it in foil.  Den trow da ting in da oven and bake dat ting for like an hour on tree-fiddy (I’m Jamaican all of a sudden?).  Take it out and you have this:

Cooked

Uhhh…

Yes, it kind of looks like your dog got sick from eating out of the garbage.  BUT it tastes (slightly) better than that!  In fact, you can even make it taste GOOD if you do the following:

– Don’t use sourdough.  Nothing against sourdough, but the taste overpowers everything else.  Go plain white or Italian bread.

– Go easy on the cream of mushroom soup.  Use like 7 or 8 ounces instead of 10.

– Use equal parts bread and Goldfish – this is key.  I used the loaf of bread and then just tossed in handfuls of ‘fish, but I could barely see or taste the ‘fish when it was done.  Half and half, ya herd?

Somebody try that and let me know how it goes!  ‘Tis the season to give the twice-baked potatoes another try too.  Bring those two dishes to your next family holiday party and drop it on the table all like, “boom.” and your family will be like, “whaaaaaa??” and you’ll be like, “yup.” and they’ll be all like, “Is Chris OK?  This is weird…” when you’re in the other room, and you’ll be all like, “I can hear you!”.  Happy Holidays!

Custom Goldfish!

First off, I’d like to issue an apology to all my Goldficianados for my absence – I’ve been a bad blogger and an awful human being to all of you.  I hope you haven’t left me for another Goldfish cracker-themed blog.  I blame my new TV,  Vince Gilligan for creating Breaking Bad, and the NY Knicks (because they should be blamed for all that’s wrong with the world) for my lack of posts.  That being said, I’m returning with a doozy:  I got my hands on some custom, tricked-out bags of Goldfish, bitchezzzzzzzzzzz!

My best bud Jeremy has had his birthday party on Fire Island the last couple years, so I got the idea of getting him some personalized Goldfish swag and busting it out during the evening’s festivities.  I went over to goldfishmyway.com (yes, that’s actually a thing) and the website allows you to order personalized cartons of ‘fish and you can write whatever the eff you want on it and upload pictures on two sides and PICK THE COLOR(S) OF GOLDFISH YOU WANT.  You can also get little containers or the standard sack size.  I did the damn thing and clicked submit like a boss.  Check out what arrived!

The suspense!

SHOCKED the delivery guy didn’t just steal this box as soon as he saw it.  Look at it!

So the containers were glossy cardboard and I had to assemble them, but it was easy.  The Goldfish came in individual baggies which surprised me but makes total sense.  Here’s the finished product:

side 1

Side 1

Side 2

Side 2, with my personalized instructions

I got a dozen of these puppies and hid them in my closet until the big bday party… which didn’t happen.  Fire Island never materialized, so I brought them to kickball and handed them out to the team instead.

jer1

jer2

jer3

Success!  I’m pretty sure we kicked 3249857 home runs that day because of the power the ‘fish bestowed upon us.  All in all, it cost about $70, which is a small price to pay for 3249857 home runs and happy birthday boy.  You don’t have to spend that much though.. after all, it’s called Goldfish My Way.  Do you, son.

frank my way

26 signs your addiction to Goldfish has gotten out of control

Buzzfeed, you get me:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/kristinchirico/signs-your-addiction-to-goldfish-crackers-has-gotten-out

Why didn’t I think to post something like that??  Or think to create that Goldfish treadmill/assembly line in #2?  I’m slippin’..

The Joy of Goldfish

Turns out Julia Child was a fellow Goldfishianado!  Legend has it that she would serve Goldfish as hors d’oeuvres at dinner parties.  Seriously, google “Julia Child Goldfish” and you’ll find a bunch of great stuff, including this excerpt from a “Recollections About Julia Child” page:

I showed my nine year-old son Julia’s kitchen this summer — in the Smithsonian, now — and said, “see that table… I sat there early one evening at her house in Cambridge. She poured a lovely German wine and asked if I wanted something to eat.”

“What’d she fix you?”

“Well, she went over to a bin that opened from the cabinet in the pantry – inside I could see it was lined with a plastic sack. She pulled out a big handful of those little goldfish crackers.”

“We supped on fish and a fine white wine at Julia’s that night.”

Lucky bastard!  I also read that after she passed away, there was a memorial in Boston where they served Goldfish in her honor.  When I go, I want to be cremated and have my remains stored in a Goldfish bag.

JK!

JK!

Since the 4th of July is tomorrow, why don’t you sit back and learn how to cook some beef:

The mac that smiles back!!

From a Daily News article I just stumbled upon by googling “goldfish news”:

It’s the “snack that smiles back,” and now the beloved childhood cracker is taking on a new identity: mac and cheese.

Pepperidge Farm has transformed the crunchy orange cracker into boxed Gold Fish Mac & Cheese. The lunchbox favorite will compete for shelf space with Kraft’s classic blue box, according to a Huffington Post report.

“Just like mac and cheese, the Goldfish brand is adored by children and adults alike, so it made perfect sense for us to add the fun and wholesomeness of Goldfish to this favorite classic food,” Jared Konstanty, senior vice president of snacks at Pepperidge Farm, said in a press release. “We’re thrilled to be able to deliver even more smiles in our devoted fans with the launch of Goldfish Mac & Cheese.”

The processed product is available exclusively at Walmart in four flavors: Butter Parmesan, Cheddar, Cheesy Pizza and Nacho Cheese.

The one-eyed smile and bite-sized crackers take the same shape in pasta form and the bright orange box models the original snack packagaing.

The suggested retail price for a 5.5-ounce package is 98 cents and will hit shelves nationwide this July.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Huffington Post taste tests them here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/27/goldfish-mac-cheese_n_3511467.html   Best believe I’ll be taste testing them myself though.
Pepperidge Farm, you reading my blog??  I had a poll up asking my Goldfishianados if I should make Goldfish Mac ‘ Cheese.  Since you stole my idea, I want 49 cents for each box you sell, but I’ll reconsider that if you put a picture of me wearing a chef’s hat on each box, Chef Boyardee style.  Let’s talk this out.

Recipe #3: Goldfish Twice-Baked Potatoes

Oofahh…

Well I had a great run of two whole recipes without effing something up, so I should’ve known I was due for a total debacle. And today folks, that debacle is called Goldfish Twice-Baked Potatoes.

Not only did they come out bad, but it was a total mess to make and was a generally frustrating experience.  In case you actually know how to cook and what to give these a shot, here’s the recipe I followed:

-4 large potatoes
-1/2 cup of milk
-1 cup sour cream
-1/2 teaspoon of salt and 1/2 teaspoon of pepper
-8 chives, diced up small
-4 tbsp of buttah
-1 cup of shredded cheddar
-1/2 cup of Goldfish crumbs

Some perfectly good food, about to be ruined.

Some perfectly good food about to be ruined.

OK, so you’ll want to preheat your oven to 350 and poke some holes in your potatoes with a fork because I hear they can explode in your oven if you don’t (is that even true?).  Toss ’em in the oven and bake for an hour.  In the meantime, throw the milk, butter, sour cream, salt n pepper, half of the cheese and half of the chives in the bowl.  When the hour is up, take the potatoes out, let them cool for 10 minutes, and then slice them in half:

IMG_0580

I’m fairly sure that the potatoes weren’t baked enough and I should’ve put them back in for another 10 minutes or so, but I figured they’d get a chance to bake again when I bake the 2nd time.  Now take a spoon and gut out the potatoes and try your best to leave the skins in tact without tearing them or leaving big chunks of potato in them.  This is an impossible endeavor.  I was trying to take a photo while holding a potato in one hand and a spoon in the other, as you can see from the masterpiece below:

Might as well just give me the pulitzer prize for photography now

Might as well just give me the Pulitzer Prize for photography now and get it over with

All I can say is to take your time scooping and don’t rush.  Also, be sure to completely separate the potato halves cleanly, because some of mine tore when I tried to separate them.

The potato in the top left is a prime example of why you shouldn't rush

The potato in the top left is a prime example of why you shouldn’t rush

Now that you’ve dumped your tater flesh into the bowl, get a hand mixer or a whisk and mix everything up.  Once its all smooth and creamy, get your spoon and scoop the mixture back into the potato skins.

I made a complete mess doing this

I made a royal mess doing this

At this point I am sweating profusely from the heat of the oven inside my already hot apartment.  Good times.  Now sprinkle the Goldfish crumbs and the rest of the chives and cheese on top (I forgot to add the cheese in the chaos of the moment) and throw those puppies back in the oven.

hothothothothot

hothothothothot

Bake for about 15 minutes and then take them out, and they’re ready to serve.

Wait, could these actually turn out OK?

Wait, could these actually turn out OK?
No. No they did not.

Hoo-boy, were these a mushy pile of sh!t.  I couldn’t even pick up the potato without it nearly falling apart in my hand like an over-topped slice of pizza.  They had the consistency of mashed potatoes and didn’t have the crispy skin on top like good twice-bakeds have (my Aunt Patricia makes the best ever).  Definitely too much sour cream and milk.  These would be a lot better if I used 1/4 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of sour cream.  Also, the Goldfish on top just spilled off and had a dusty texture when you ate them with the mushy potatoes.

FAIL.

FAIL.

I mixed the Goldfish crumbs up into the potatoes and that helped a lot though.  I’m tempted to take the leftover potatoes out of the skins and throw them in a bowl and just reheat them as mashed potatoes because they wouldn’t be too shabby that way.  I’d much rather punt them out the window.  So yeah, definitely use less milk and sour cream, and don’t forget to add the extra cheese on top of the refilled potatoes because I think that helps give it the skin.  I don’t even remember what website I found the twice-baked potato recipe on, but I remembered to file it in the appropriate place:

Go away and don't ever come back

Go away and don’t ever come back,
you vagabond.

Oh well.  This will probably be the first of many “Goldfails”, so stay tuned!  I’ll post a poll for my next taste test later this week.