Merry Fishmas!

Ho ho holy crap, look what Santa put under the tree for me!!

Christmas Goldfish

And my stocking was stuffed to the brim with Christmas Goldfish!

stocking stuufer

I must’ve been a good Goldfisherman this year!  Immediately after taking that pic, I hooked the stocking loop around my ear and went to town, feed-bag style.  I’m sure it’s how Jesus wanted us to celebrate his birthday.  So the big question – do the Christmas Cheddar fish taste any different from the regular cheddar fish?  Kinda!  I figured they wouldn’t, and I didn’t taste anything different about them at first, but day 2 of eating them I noticed an odd aftertaste.  Nothing bad, but not the typical zing of the standard cheddar flavor.  Maybe it’s the food coloring?  The fact that I was eating them out of a stocking that had been stored in the corner of my closet for a year?  Consider it a mystery for the ages, but nevertheless, they were a tad askew.  Keep in mind- this is coming from me, who eats Goldfish like it’s my job (hey, why isn’t this my job??  Somebody pay me for this, will ya?!), so most people will probably think they taste great.  And they do!  I just taste-tested the friggin hell out of them, and had them for breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner, dessert, and dessertfast for 3 days straight.  Speaking of dessertfast, Goldfish would be good as a Rice Krispie treat… omg.. OMG.  OH.MY.GOD.  Gotta go!

My brother went to Goldfish HQ and brought me back this swag!

Look at this rare sh!t!

rare flavors

Flavors beyond the wildest of imaginations!  Salsa con queso??  Queso fiesta???   Just stop.  I immediately ripped these open and shoved handfuls of each down my facehole.   Taste test time!

Now, I’m not big on the puffs, even if the flavor is “nuevo”.. I prefer the crunch of the classic ‘fish.  But these salsa con queso puffs were sexual in nature.

Salsa con queso

Apologies for the blurry photo, I was trembling with excitement.

It’s not what you’d expect: They taste more salsa-y than cheesy, but if I were blindfolded and asked what these tasted like, I probably wouldn’t say salsa either.  Maybe a pepper jack mixed with ketchup?  OK I’m not doing it justice.  But they were the biggest hit of the bunch!

The other favorite was the queso fiesta flavor-blasted (non puff) Goldfish.  These kinda tasted like the salsa con queso puffs, but having the traditional Goldfish crunch and texture gave them extra points.  They shaded a bit towards the pizza flavor, which isn’t my favorite, but there was definitely a unique cheesiness to them.  I think naming them “cheese party” was a correct choice.

The saddest part of all this is that these flavors are impossible to find!  I had never seen them before and I haven’t seen them since.  Makes me wish I didn’t eat all of them in 4 minutes.

New Taste Test: Fudge Brownie Goldfish Grahams!

I saw these buggers in the store the other day and figured we were due for another taste test, especially since Pepperidge Farm has been churning out new Goldfish Graham flavors like their dad-gummed pants are on fire.   This bag looked particularly intriguing at the time because it was randomly sitting in the pasta sauce section of the supermarket I was in.  Fate, obviously.  Since I reviewed some other Grahams in a previous post, I won’t get into the titilating packaging details again, but here’s a pic of me holding the bag while crouching in a park in Bushwick in the middle of the night, because that’s normal:

goldfish grahams fudge brownie

I cracked open the bag and took an extreme close-up of them for your viewing and palm-reading pleasure:

goldfish grahams

“I seeeeee a BICYCLLLLLLLE…..”

And no, I did not reach into a litter box.  Those are some fine looking fudge fishies, generously coated in “flavor crystals”.  I threw all of those in my mouth at the same time for maximum tastification and also gave a few to my cronies who were lurking in the dark with me that evening.  Some of the reviews I heard included “they taste like Teddy Grahams”, “mmm!”, “it’s the cookie part of the Oreo”, and “who the f#@k are you?? Stop forcing Goldfish into my mouth, you psycho!  I’ll stab your face!!” from a not-so-friendly passerby in a hooded sweatshirt.  I agree with the Teddy Grahams and Oreo comments – it’s a perfect hybrid of both.  It has the taste of the Oreo cookie with the texture of a Teddy Graham.  They’re tasty, but like the other Grahams I’ve tasted, the only resemblance to Goldfish is their shape.  It would have been a lot better if they took regular cheddar Goldfish and drizzled a thin layer of fudge chocolate over them.  Holy sh!t, I think I need to do that at home right now.  Wow.  Gotta go!

Verdict: Tasty, but would be better ground up and stirred into a milkshake.

Taste Test: Goldfish PUFFS!

In previous posts, I had mentioned that this is an exciting time to be a Goldfish fan- Pepperidge Farm has been coming out with crazy new flavors lately, including the Goldfish Grahams line which I started reviewing a few posts back.  But this… this I did not expect.  I was in a supermarket in Ohio a few weekends ago and was in charge of picking out the beach snacks our group would be eating (they obviously chose the right person for this).   My first order of business was seeking out the Pepperidge Farm section, as the obligatory token bag of chips I would buy would come second in my snack search.  I find their Goldfish section and drop my basket on the floor in sheer horror when I see this:



They’re joking, right?  That’s all they have????  This must be an elaborate prank that was orchestrated with the sole purpose of giving me a stress ulcer.  En route to finding the manager so I could backhand him across his dumb face, I came across a GOLDFISH PUFFS display at the end of an aisle!  I had never seen these before, so I was caught off guard.  They come in a shiny medium-sized resealable plastic bag:

goldfish puffs mega cheese

Stunning.  And with “mega cheese” as a flavor, we could be in for a wild ride.  I resisted the urge to rip them open right there, and instead took them to the counter and paid for them like a civilized member of society.  I couldn’t wait to dig into these mofos though.  We got home and headed over to the beach, where I donned Erica’s grandma’s American flag star sunglasses for fear of being blinded by the shining glory of these puffs when I gaze my mortal eyes on them for the first time.

Only a bald eagle perched on my shoulder could make this picture more American.

Only a bald eagle perched on my shoulder could make this picture more American.

Woah.  These are interesting.  They’re bigger than normal goldfish, and obviously much puffier.  Check ’em out:

Puffs in hand

I ate a few and realized they’re much like puffed Cheetos, only in a smaller, fishier shape.  This is fine by me, because I usually don’t eat the puffy Cheetos because the texture weirds me out after a while, and the less bites I have to take per puff, the better.  The cheese taste is slightly different too.  They don’t have the trademark cheddar taste that regular Goldfish have either… It must be the mega-ness of the cheese.  While munching away, I also noticed that the powder doesn’t get on your hands as much as the Cheetos powder does.  Another plus.  However, I saw that people were reaching for them less and less after the initial excitement wore off, myself included.  Its not because they’re bad.. they just threw me off a bit.  I was expecting that familiar Goldfish cheese taste and it wasn’t there.  With the texture also being different, the only trait that had any resemblance to Goldfish was their fish shape.  Other than that, they’re a completely different snack (much like the grahams).  They’re good though, and I recommend trying them.  I am also going to try the Buffalo Wing flavor if I ever see them, because that sounds outstanding.  So yeah, give them a shot and let me know what you think!  Also, follow the blog by clicking the follow link at the top of your screen so you can get updates delivered to you and don’t have to furiously refresh every day in a frenzied sweaty panic.

Goldfish French Toast Grahams, Reviewed

The people have spoken!  The winner of the Goldfish Grahams taste test poll is…. French Toast!

First off, these grahams come in a plastic sack instead of paper, and it’s nearly impossible to open without ripping it, even if you’re careful.  It seriously took me 90 seconds to fully open it, and I still tore it.  The glue used to seal this bag could have been used to seal the BP oil rig leak.

Here’s a pic of a graham next to a regular fish:


They’re about the same size, but they’re solid and covered in “taste crystals” (sugar), so they’re messier than regular fish.  My first reaction after eating some was that they tasted just like Teddy Grahams.  I could only taste cinnamon at first, but after a few seconds, the french toast taste kicked in.  Not too shabby!  After a few more of these lil guys, I realized that I could keep eating more, but I see an end in sight; I could see myself getting sick of them after a while.  They’re way more rich than standard Goldfish, and maybe it’s because I prefer salty to sweet, but this isn’t a snack that I see myself craving in the future.  Don’t get me wrong though, by the time I typed this sentence, I’d had about 6 handfuls of them… but after a night out, I don’t envision me doing something like this:

So try ’em if you like Teddy Grahams or sweet snacks, but if you’re looking for something similar to Goldfish, get something else.  Or get some real f*ckin’ french toast.

And the winner of the first taste test poll is……

…Goldfish Baby Cheddar!


It was close, but after counting the MILLIONS of votes that flooded in, Goldfish Baby Cheddar edged out Goldfish Grahams Vanilla Cupcake by a 16% margin (7 votes to 5).  Now, on to the review:

First off, these guys are small.  Below is a baby Goldfish next to a full-sized:


But wait!  These fish aren’t smiling!  I was a little disappointed by this because I like when my food is happy.  After reaching for another fish though, I realized I was wrong:


So half are smiling and half are not??  What is the meaning of this??!  Why did they do this I wonder… the faceless fish seem so anonymous and emotionally empty.  Perhaps they taste different?  Lets find out.

My first reaction after eating some were that the faceless fish were more puffy and hollow, and the smiling fish were thinner and more dense.  I wouldn’t say that the smiling fish are tough or too crunchy, but eating the faceless fish feel more like you’re eating the traditional-sized Goldfish.  The cheddar taste is present, and they managed to balance the saltiness and cheesiness to replicate the taste of the full-sized cheddar fish.  Eating the smiling and non-smiling together also produced a beautiful medley of crunchosity.  Also, since these fish are so small, you can really get a nice handful:


Theres gotta be like 20 fish in there.  Oh, and don’t think this means that you’ll be able to manage your portions and eat less because they’re smaller.  They are as delicious as the regular cheddar Goldfish, so any self control or willpower is out the window.  You are at the mercy of these fish, and you will finish eating them when there are no more fish to eat, so prepare accordingly.  However, if I had the choice between the baby cheddar and the full-sized cheddar, I would go full-sized.  They basically taste the same, but if you had the choice between eating Cookie Crisp-sized chocolate chip cookies and Entenmann’s-sized cookies, you’d go Entenmann’s, right?  Me too.  BTW, who knew Entenmann’s was spelled like that??  I first typed it out as “Entiman’s” which doesnt look right at all, but sounds more right than Entenmann’s.  Reminds me of when I was young growing up in Westchester and first realized that New Rochelle was not spelled “Nurrashell”.

Oh, and you thought the regular-sized Goldfish tend to end up on the floor and in the couch cushions?  These lil buggers end up everywhere.


Your dog will thank you though.