Recipe #7: Sharkuterie

Oh, hi!  Your friendly neighborhood Goldfisherman is back after a brief 3.5-year hiatus with a new recipe for all my Goldfishionados!  I won’t go into detail about where I’ve been, but I will say that no, I had not Flavor Blasted myself to an early demise, and no, Pepperidge Farm had not sued me for creating unsanctioned and unholy concoctions with their products.   I’ve just been busy with life I guess.  I’ve moved twice, and as you will see, I STILL have no counter space!  That hasn’t prevented me from putting together a delicious new creation for you, right on the edge of the counter and up against the sink, which had a hanging planter in it for some reason.

So one thing I want to warn you about before we jump in is that this recipe does not predominantly feature Goldfish.  They are involved, but more in a supporting role.  I got the idea for this recently when I heard someone say the word “charcuterie”, and it made me realize that the first half of that word sounds like “shark”.  Then I wondered if I could make a charcuterie platter in the shape of a shark and call it sharkuterie.  Then I wondered how I could incorporate Goldfish.   Then I wondered if my brain was unwell since this is what goes on inside my head.  I did a quick google search to see if it had been done before, and it hasn’t, much to my surprise.  It was time to dust off the ol’ meat cleaver and get back to work.

I’m not even sure if I can call this a recipe since there’s no cooking involved, but here’s what you’ll need to put all this together:

  • A baguette (woah, bullet points!  WordPress has gotten fancy since 2015!)
  • Various sliced meats and cheeses.  Up to you which kinds, but use a cheese that slices easily and doesn’t crumble.
  • An olive or two
  • Goldfish!  Whichever flavor you want.  Unleash your wild side.

OK.  First thing you’ll wanna do is figure out which end of the baguette you want to be the head and which you want to be the tail end.  The tail end should be more narrow, but if you’re working with a perfectly symmetrical baguette, then don’t sweat it.  Just take a moment to marvel at its beautiful and flawless symmetry.  At the tail end, use a serrated (here I am thinking it was spelled “seraded”) knife and slice some bread off to make a narrow back side.  Be deliberate and fearless with your cuts because if you go in weakly, the bread will tear and it’ll look bad.  Sharks smell fear!

As you see in the pic on the right, the next step is to turn the bread shavings you just made into the fins.  Cut a piece into the shape of a tail fin, and cut a slit through the shaved part of the bread that you can slide the fin piece through.   Then do the same for the dorsal fin on the top and pectoral fin on the bottom (you can tell I learned my shark fins throughout this process!).


Just be careful if your bread is on the staler side because the fins may crack.   Now you can make a little cutout for the mouth.  I know it’s a scary shark, but go in strong!


You can tell I wasn’t fearless since my mouth came out a little torn.  All good though, it kinda looks like it has teeth this way.  Now check it out, a baguette shark!


A Great White(bread)

OK then, it’s now time to create the sea of cheese that it will swim in.  I had a block of cheddar and one of those cheese shavers, and my plan was to shave from the corner for a triangle shape that I could use at the top of the water and create a wave effect, like ^^^^^^^


This picture probably doesn’t need to be this large…

This did not go according to plan though, since the cheese started crumbling towards the center of the block.  No worries, cheese is cheese and it will be devoured regardless.  You may want to go for a pre-sliced cheese to make it prettier though.

Once your ocean is set up, leave a small space in the center of your plate for the shark to sit, and below it will be your meat-based ocean floor.  I laid down some capicola along the bottom of the plate, and I sliced some salami rolled in mozzarella and placed the pieces on top of the capicola for some coral reef action.


I also rolled some prosciutto and more salami to make additional underwater plant life.


Time to plop down the shark!   Here’s where the olive comes in.  Cut it in half, take a tooth pick, and stick it through your shark to create the eye.



Feel free to put one on the other side if you wish, but olives are nature’s poison to me and I try to avoid them at all costs.

Now here comes the best part ; the mutherfrikkin Goldfish.  These will act as the “pilot fish” in the display, clinging to the shark for safety while feasting on the scraps of food that fall from its mouth.  Or scraps of salted, cured Italian meats in this case.  Kind of like your dog while you’re in your kitchen eating that Italian Combo from the deli.  Sprinkle some fishies along the sides of the shark like so:


Behold, your very own sharkuterie!  I brought mine to a Super Bowl party and it was a hit, despite people being reluctant to cut the shark up.  If this happens to you, slice a few pieces yourself to break the ice.  After all, shark meat is a delicacy in some countries.  I will tell you that the first items to get eaten off the platter were the Goldfish.  Because obviously.   Good thing I brought the bag to replenish the supply (and snack on for 3 hours straight in lieu of eating an actual dinner).  Enjoy!

Recipe Remix! Goldfish Mozzarella Sticks, BAKED

Ah, this takes recipe takes me back.  The fried Goldfish mozzarella sticks were the first Goldfish-crusted concoction I ever posted to this blog, back when daily views topped at a measly 1 a day; far from the staggering 3 views a day I receive now.  We’ve come a long way.  In an effort to stay humble and remember my roots, I thought it would be fun to try this recipe again, but switch it up and bake them instead of frying.  Sounds like a good idea, right?  Well you’re wrong.  You’ve never been more wrong about anything in your life.  This was a trash fire of an experiment, a hot mess of biblical proportions.  Let me explain.

Given that there are jillions of baked mozzarella stick recipes on the internet, one would think that this would be easy to pull off and enjoyable for all.  The authors of these recipes are all lying tramps.  This is not easy to pull off, and they came out like straight garbage, yet I followed every step of these recipes to the tee.  I basically mimicked the steps of my fried Goldfish mozzarella sticks recipe up until it was cooking time – coat the cheese sticks with egg, then the ground Goldfish, then egg again and Golfish again.  Each coated stick goes on a foiled baking sheet and into the freezer for 8-24 hours.  All was good until that point.  I preheated the oven to 400 (this was the average temperature from all the recipes I read), and once it was nice and toasty in there, I threw the sticks in for the 5 minutes or so (5-7 minutes was the average baking time from these dumb ass recipes).  After the 5 minutes were up, I took them out and looked at them.  And cried.  The cheese was melting all over but the coating wasn’t cooked at all.  You ever drop an ice cream cone in the sand?  Yeah.  The oven had a thermometer in it so I knew for sure it was at 400, and I timed it diligently with my trusty wristwatch.

I therefore conclude that baking mozzarella sticks is not possible, and that it’s a huge scam propagated by Big Oven.  This was a disaster on par with my twice-baked potato fail of 2013.  I had photos of this debacle, but they are so gruesome that they’ll likely get flagged by WordPress for being too obscene.  I also lost the cord that hooks my camera up to my laptop, so there’s that too.

Lesson learned.  Fry everything.

Recipe #6: Marshmallow Gold Fishie Treats!

I got this idea in the middle of writing my previous post, while pontificating on the forgotten and neglected meal of dessertfast- stuff you can eat for dessert, breakfast, or at any time in between those two meals.  This here recipe makes for a great dessertfast.  When I first told people I was going to make Rice Krispie “Crisp Rice” treats with Goldfish, the main concern was the savory and sweet collision that was sure to be explosive, violent, and maybe slightly disgusting.  But these treats exceeded my wildest dreams, and not only are they not slightly disgusting, they’re quite delicious!  This is also an absurdly easy recipe, even for me who is a total spazoid in the kitchen.  So lets get down to the nitty fishie, shall we?


– 5 cups of Baby Goldfish (you’re going to use about a bag and 3/4s)

– 1 10-oz bag of mini marshmallows (you’ll use most of this)

– 1/4 cup of butter, which is 4 tbs (I shamefully had to google this)

Goldfish Krispie Treats Ingredients

That’s it!  Only 3 ingredients.  Well, there is a secret ingredient, but I don’t even know if you should use it.  To be continued.. I’ll let the suspense boil over on this..

M’kay.  Prep a 13″x9″ casserole pan by buttering the bujeezus out of it.  Get down and dirty with it.

I probably could've skipped this horrendous photo

I probably could’ve skipped this horrendous photo.  I promise those are burn marks on the pan, not filth marks!

Once that’s done, take the 1/4 cup of butter and dump it into a big ol’ pot on the stove top.  Turn the heat really really low, because the internet says if the butter burns and browns, it won’t be as sticky or gooey when mixed with the marshmallows.  And nobody wants that, now do we?  So melt that butta up, and when it’s all liquidy, toss in the marshmallows.  You’re gonna stir all that stuff constantly until the marshmallows melt and it’s all even and creamy.

Gold Fishie Treats Marshmallows

Gold Fishie Treats Mixture

a’like-a this-a (my Italian accent, ladies and gentlemen)

This is where the secret ingredient comes in.  I put in 2.5 tsp of milk in there because some charlatan on a recipe website said this would make it gooier.  Do 1.5 tsp instead.. more on this later.  OK, now take it off the heat and dump in the Baby Goldfish.  Keep stirring!  This is some real sticky icky icky!  Ooo-wee!

Gold Fishie Treats Baby Goldfish

Make sure you coat all the fish evenly and don’t you DARE stop stirring!  Once you have a glutinous glob of Goldfish, take another spatula, butter both sides of it, and then scoop out the fish into the casserole pan and spread it around evenly.

Gold Fishie Treats in pan

Now this is where the recipe hits a minor snag.  There wasn’t enough to cover the whole pan, as you can see.  I mean, I could’ve spread them out more but they would’ve been so thin that it would have dumb.  But this is no biggie.  Now comes the horrific part of having to let it cool.  Good luck with this.  Staring at it with unblinking, lustful eyes may help it cool faster though, so I recommend that.  Needless to say, I jumped the gun and cut at them with a dull blade like a crackhead.  Check it:

Goldfish Krispie Treats

Oops, you can tell I’m not wearing pants in this one..

Goldfish Krispie Treats Gooey

Oh yeah.

These taste good!  I would even dare say great!  Well.. this is coming from a Goldfish extremist.  But I really believe that these will taste better than you think they will.  Its a different type of taste than the Rice Krispie version, yet the marshmallow makes it similar enough that it’s not completely foreign.  Goldfish and marshmallow are not things you would associate with one another, but they compliment each other well here.  This isn’t too sweet or too savory- the marshmallow covers up some of the saltiness of the Goldfish, and the Goldfish covers up the sweetness of the marshmallows.  It’s not too crunchy or crumbly either.  The reason I said to cut down on the milk is because they are a bit too gooey at first, but this is likely because I let them cool for a total of 4 seconds.  Just slow your roll and they will probably be fine.  This recipe makes about 9 treats or 1 treat the size of a car battery.  Enjoy!

Recipe #5: Goldfish Stuffing

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  Now that you’ve consumed 180,000,000 calories worth of pie and had to file a disability claim in order to work from home because you can’t fit through the subway car doors, I figured this would be a great time to post my new recipe so you can eat even more and continue to live the dream.  I bring you… Goldfish Stuffing!

InGREEDYents (see what I did there?):

A fat-ass loaf of bread.  I picked sourdough, but you should pick something else because.. well.. you’ll see.
A 10.75 can of cream of mushroom soup
A 10.75 can of vegetable broth
2 teaspoons of water (I know a guy who can get you this at a decent price, holla at ya boy)
1 teaspoon of poultry dressing or Adobo or something similar
Pepper and salt (I switched the words around just for the sake of switching them.  I went there.)
1/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 cup of crushed up pecans
An absurd amount of Goldfish



Dramatic pic, eh?

OK.  Now.  Pick off small pieces of the bread and throw it in the bowl until it’s all gone.  Then take all that other crap and dump it in a bowl and mush it together with your grubby mitts.  You can toss the Goldfish in whole or lightly crush them in your hand, but it doesn’t have to be crumbified (I guess it can be if you want it to be, but it won’t be as visible if it is).


Then, take this sticky abomination out of the bowl and form a loaf out of it and wrap it in foil.  Den trow da ting in da oven and bake dat ting for like an hour on tree-fiddy (I’m Jamaican all of a sudden?).  Take it out and you have this:



Yes, it kind of looks like your dog got sick from eating out of the garbage.  BUT it tastes (slightly) better than that!  In fact, you can even make it taste GOOD if you do the following:

– Don’t use sourdough.  Nothing against sourdough, but the taste overpowers everything else.  Go plain white or Italian bread.

– Go easy on the cream of mushroom soup.  Use like 7 or 8 ounces instead of 10.

– Use equal parts bread and Goldfish – this is key.  I used the loaf of bread and then just tossed in handfuls of ‘fish, but I could barely see or taste the ‘fish when it was done.  Half and half, ya herd?

Somebody try that and let me know how it goes!  ‘Tis the season to give the twice-baked potatoes another try too.  Bring those two dishes to your next family holiday party and drop it on the table all like, “boom.” and your family will be like, “whaaaaaa??” and you’ll be like, “yup.” and they’ll be all like, “Is Chris OK?  This is weird…” when you’re in the other room, and you’ll be all like, “I can hear you!”.  Happy Holidays!

Recipe #4: Goldfish Chicken Tenders

Sorry for the delay on this, it’s been a crazy busy summer.  I know all of you have been frantically clicking refresh on your browser every second of every day for the past couple weeks, so I’m a reward you with a delicious recipe!  This is a bounce-back or me after the horrors of the Twice-Baked Potatoes Fiasco of 2013, aka The Recipe That Shall Not Be Named.  So here it is, Goldfish Chicken Tenders!

Now get yerself somma this stuff:

-Canola oil
-Chicken tenders
-Goldfish (uh-duh)
-Tin foil (I cant assume everyone has it because I usually don’t)
-Dippin’ sauce of your choice. I went with honey mustard, but feel free to get nuts.

Goldfish chicken tenders ingredients

That Dole pineapple juice in the background has literally been sitting there for 3 years.

This recipe is pretty similar/identical to the Goldfish Mozz Sticks recipe, but there are a couple variations.  First thing you’re gonna want to do it get a bowl and crack some eggs in there and beat ’em up.  Then grab another bowl or some tupperware  – oh wait, before you do that, grind up the Goldfish in a blender.  I went with cheddar, but you should go Flavor Blasted for reasons I’ll explain later.  OK you done?  Good, now get that bowl or tupperware and dump the Goldfish crumbs in there.  Now cut open your package of chicken and stab a tender with a fork and dip it in the eggs.  Then dip it in the fish crumbs, making sure its coated completely.

Goldfish chicken tenders

like this, but do a less half-assed job than I did, m’kay?

You can double coat if you want, but I only did it once and it turned out fine (spoiler!).  Double coating may be good though now that I think of it while I type this.  OK I’ll get to that later.   Anyhoo, where were we..  oh yeah, put the coated tenders on a foiled baking sheet.  I was gonna do two baking sheets worth of tenders but the clock was ticking and I realized that I had forgotten about the whole freezing part of this recipe and it was already 9:30pm and I didn’t want to be eating these things at 1am because I would probably have weird ass nightmares if I ate this stuff before going to sleep.   So yeah, you should freeze the tenders, overnight if possible.  Because I am shot and forgot about this and had to finish them that night ’cause I was going out of town the next day, I only froze them for 2 hours which was actually fine.

Whoops, sideways camera. Looks like I’m dumping them on the floor.

So (at least) 2 hours later, pull ’em out.  Then fill a big frying pan with about a half inch of oil and heat it up it on high-ish heat.  Once it’s on and poppin’, throw the frozen tenders in there, 3 or 4 at a time.  My friend Kiki Uptown helped me with these because she’s good at this stuff.



Fry them about 3 minutes on each side.  I’m paranoid about salmonella (thanks Paula!) so I probably cooked them a little more than I had to, but cut one open when you think they’re done and make sure it’s not pink or purple or gray or gross inside.  Mine were pretty good so I was ready to serve them up.  Throw them on a plate with paper towels for a bit so they soak up the delicious, delicious grease, and then toss them on a plate with the dipping sauce of your choice.

Shockingly decent looking!

Dagblasted sideways camera!  What was I doing??

Shockingly decent looking, no??  I served them up to some hungry friends who were over watching the world premier of Sharknado (excellent film) and they were a hit!  However, they only had a slight Goldfish taste.  You had to know they were made with Goldfish crumbs to notice the taste.  That’s where the double coating comes in – it could be the trick to making them Goldfishier.  That, and using Flavor Blasted instead of regular cheddar.  My friend Steve recommended baking them because when you fry stuff, the oil tends to overpower whatever you coat the chicken with.  So yeah, try this recipe but double coat with flavor blasted and it should be perfect.  If not, bake ’em.  But definitely eat them while watching Sharknado..

because this happens.

..because this happens.

So you know how I said I was leaving town the day after I made the tenders?  Well I went to Ohio and stumbled upon some new Goldfish snacks…. taste test coming soon!

Recipe #3: Goldfish Twice-Baked Potatoes


Well I had a great run of two whole recipes without effing something up, so I should’ve known I was due for a total debacle. And today folks, that debacle is called Goldfish Twice-Baked Potatoes.

Not only did they come out bad, but it was a total mess to make and was a generally frustrating experience.  In case you actually know how to cook and what to give these a shot, here’s the recipe I followed:

-4 large potatoes
-1/2 cup of milk
-1 cup sour cream
-1/2 teaspoon of salt and 1/2 teaspoon of pepper
-8 chives, diced up small
-4 tbsp of buttah
-1 cup of shredded cheddar
-1/2 cup of Goldfish crumbs

Some perfectly good food, about to be ruined.

Some perfectly good food about to be ruined.

OK, so you’ll want to preheat your oven to 350 and poke some holes in your potatoes with a fork because I hear they can explode in your oven if you don’t (is that even true?).  Toss ’em in the oven and bake for an hour.  In the meantime, throw the milk, butter, sour cream, salt n pepper, half of the cheese and half of the chives in the bowl.  When the hour is up, take the potatoes out, let them cool for 10 minutes, and then slice them in half:


I’m fairly sure that the potatoes weren’t baked enough and I should’ve put them back in for another 10 minutes or so, but I figured they’d get a chance to bake again when I bake the 2nd time.  Now take a spoon and gut out the potatoes and try your best to leave the skins in tact without tearing them or leaving big chunks of potato in them.  This is an impossible endeavor.  I was trying to take a photo while holding a potato in one hand and a spoon in the other, as you can see from the masterpiece below:

Might as well just give me the pulitzer prize for photography now

Might as well just give me the Pulitzer Prize for photography now and get it over with

All I can say is to take your time scooping and don’t rush.  Also, be sure to completely separate the potato halves cleanly, because some of mine tore when I tried to separate them.

The potato in the top left is a prime example of why you shouldn't rush

The potato in the top left is a prime example of why you shouldn’t rush

Now that you’ve dumped your tater flesh into the bowl, get a hand mixer or a whisk and mix everything up.  Once its all smooth and creamy, get your spoon and scoop the mixture back into the potato skins.

I made a complete mess doing this

I made a royal mess doing this

At this point I am sweating profusely from the heat of the oven inside my already hot apartment.  Good times.  Now sprinkle the Goldfish crumbs and the rest of the chives and cheese on top (I forgot to add the cheese in the chaos of the moment) and throw those puppies back in the oven.



Bake for about 15 minutes and then take them out, and they’re ready to serve.

Wait, could these actually turn out OK?

Wait, could these actually turn out OK?
No. No they did not.

Hoo-boy, were these a mushy pile of sh!t.  I couldn’t even pick up the potato without it nearly falling apart in my hand like an over-topped slice of pizza.  They had the consistency of mashed potatoes and didn’t have the crispy skin on top like good twice-bakeds have (my Aunt Patricia makes the best ever).  Definitely too much sour cream and milk.  These would be a lot better if I used 1/4 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of sour cream.  Also, the Goldfish on top just spilled off and had a dusty texture when you ate them with the mushy potatoes.



I mixed the Goldfish crumbs up into the potatoes and that helped a lot though.  I’m tempted to take the leftover potatoes out of the skins and throw them in a bowl and just reheat them as mashed potatoes because they wouldn’t be too shabby that way.  I’d much rather punt them out the window.  So yeah, definitely use less milk and sour cream, and don’t forget to add the extra cheese on top of the refilled potatoes because I think that helps give it the skin.  I don’t even remember what website I found the twice-baked potato recipe on, but I remembered to file it in the appropriate place:

Go away and don't ever come back

Go away and don’t ever come back,
you vagabond.

Oh well.  This will probably be the first of many “Goldfails”, so stay tuned!  I’ll post a poll for my next taste test later this week.

Recipe #2: Goldfish Meatballs

Wow, let me tell you, it took DAYS to count all the votes that came in for the meatballs vs mac n cheese recipe poll.  I may need some interns to help me with the next one.  I have to say though, I was a bit surprised that the meatballs won out by such a large margin.. they got twice as many votes than the mac n’ cheese!  Check out the poll results and see for yourself.

OK, so lets get started.  Here’s what you’ll need:

-A pound a’ meat
-A cup of blended Goldfish crumbs
-One egg
-A nice amount of parmesan cheese
-2 tablespoons of olive oil
-Marinara sauce (I went store-bought again)
-Salt and pepper
-Salt-N-Pepa playing in the background (most crucial)

Behold my 6 total inches of counter space!

Behold my 6 total inches of counter space!

First thing you’ll wanna do is preheat your oven to three-fitty.  Then slather 2 tablespoons of the olive oil on a baking sheet, spread it around, and shove it in the oven (I had a picture of me doing this, but do you really need to see that?). Next, crack an egg in a big bowl and beat it up and dump in the meat (I used ground beef, but you can use turkey or pork or horse or whatever the eff you want), dump in the Goldfish crumbs, and a nice big dash of parmesan, salt, and pepper.  I didn’t use anything too fancy to season this because I didn’t want the Goldfish to be overpowered.  Mush it all together for a while.  Here’s what that hot mess will look like as you’re mixing it:

The mix

Push it real good

Once it’s nicely mixed up, take out the heated pan and make golf ball-sized balls of the meat mush and put them on the pan, at least an inch apart.  And wash your hands once in a while, will ya?

Look at those beauties

Look at those beauties

Put ’em in the oven and bake for like 13 minutes, and then take ’em out and flip ’em and put ’em back in for another 5 or so.  Be sure that Salt-N-Pepa is still playing.  Here’s a thrilling picture of me flipping them over:


OK it’s been a few minutes.. do they look done?  Good, now take out the pan and cut one of the balls in half and make sure its cooked all the way through so you don’t kill yourself from eating frikkin’ undercooked Goldfish meatballs.  That would be a sad/amazing obituary.

These look done, right?

These look done, right?

You can see the Goldfish bits in there!  Hohooo!  Now I’m getting excited.  Before I slathered the marinara sauce (oh yeah, you should’ve been heating your sauce, my bad) and parmesan cheese onto the meatballs, I wanted to taste one as-is to see if the Goldfish taste came through. It kiiiinda did.  Maybe if you put more Goldfish crumbs in there you could taste it more, but these only had a very slight taste of it.  There’s a fix though!  In addition to pouring on the heated sauce and a dash of parmesan, sprinkle some of the leftover Goldfish crumbs on top.  Once you do, it’s a thing of beauty:



Now THAT’s a Goldfishy meatball!  Everything actually goes pretty well together.  Maybe throw a few whole Goldfish on there for presentation too.  Voila!  There’s your Goldfish meatballs.  Let me know what you think!  Maybe make some pasta too so you’re not just eating Goldfish and beef for dinner (not that there’s anything wrong with that!).

Recipe #1: Goldfish Mozzarella Sticks

We’re gonna start with the recipe that inspired me to start this blog – Goldfish-breaded mozzarella sticks.  I got the idea for this recipe a few years back when I was invited to a Super Bowl party and wanted to whip up a lil’ suh’in suh’in.  Just a few tidbits before we jump in:

-I am NOT a cook and can barely boil water, so these recipes will be pretty simple for everyone.
-You’re gonna reek of Goldfish when you’re done making these.  You’re welcome.
-You’re gonna see some nonsensical units of measurements like “a small handful” and “a good dosing”, so feel free to convert to actual measurements if you know how to cook.
-I’ve made these several times, but I’m still perfecting the recipe, so all suggestions are welcome in the comments section.

OK first off, here’s a list of everything you’ll need.

-Goldfish- you can buy just a 6.6 oz bag, but I recommend the 30 oz carton so that you can shovel Goldfish into your mouth while you cook (kind of like what I’m doing while I’m writing this).  I went with the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar this time because I mean business.
-A few eggs
-A blender
-A small handful of Italian-style bread crumbs
-A few dashes of grated parmesan cheese.
-A pack of string cheese (feel free to experiment with different brands, but I usually go with Polly-O).  You can also cut your own sticks out of blocks of cheese and be fancy.
-Vegetable oil
-Marinara sauce for dippin’ purposes
-A wooden stick, lead pipe, or shiv


Alrighty.  So the first thing you’ll want to do it throw some Goldfish into your blender and blend until the fish are like delicious golden breadcrumbs.  Leave no survivors.  The amount shown in the photo below was way more than enough for the 9 sticks I was making.


Dump the fish crumbs into some tupperware that is wide enough to fit a mozz stick, and throw in a small handful of the breadcrumbs and an equal amount of the grated parmesan.  I add the Italian-style breadcrumbs because they give a nice added flavor, but you can exclude them if you want.  Mix that isht up and you’ll get something like this:


Okay, now set up a station where you have your breading mix, a bowl of the eggs all whisked up, the unwrapped cheese sticks, and a baking sheet with tin foil over it.  Get yerself a fork and a knife too.  Start out by stabbing a stick with the fork and dipping it into the eggs… make sure it’s coated nicely.  Then you’re gonna dip the stick into the breading, and really bury it in there so the whole stick gets full crumb coverage.  Now, I repeat this process with the same stick so that they’re double-coated.  You dont have to do this, but double coating will make the sticks crunchier and Goldfishier.  Once the stick is coated to your liking, take the knife and slide the stick off the fork and onto the baking sheet.  The knife is key because if you use your finger, the egg and crumbs will stick to you and you’ll have a big bald spot that you have to patch back on.


Once you do this to all the sticks, put the baking sheet in the freezer, uncovered (or maybe covered, that sounds more sanitary) and freeze for at least two hours.  You can freeze them overnight as well.  The reason we freeze is so that the sticks don’t turn to mush when you start frying them.


(Do not judge me for only having ice cream and ice cubes in my freezer!)

OK so now your sticks are frozen.  Grab yourself a relatively deep frying pan (the pan I used in the photo below is a bit too shallow, I had scalding oil splashing all over the place when I dropped them in).  Pour a good dose of veggie oil into the pan.. enough so that about half the stick would be submerged when you drop it in.  I don’t own a deep fryer, but if you have one, go for it because that would probably be awesome.  Start heating the oil on medium heat (this is where it gets tricky.. you don’t want to burn the Goldfish exterior, but you need the cheese inside to melt, so I find that medium heat is the way to go, but feel free to experiment).


Oh, and start heating up your sauce.  Fry the sticks about 20-30 seconds on each side.  If the breading is burning before the cheese starts melting, lower your burner.  You know how Ballpark franks “plump when you cook ’em”?  Well Goldfish mozz sticks will “slightly ooze cheese when you cook ’em”.  That’s when you know they’re done, when the cheese starts peeking out of the breading. Fry a few at a time, and then transfer them to a plate with paper towels on it so that it soaks up the oil.  Pat them slightly with another paper towel as well.  Now put your heated sauce in a little cup and transfer the sticks to a different plate  and serve those mofos!  (I had to “taste test” 3 of the sticks while frying them)


Now grab the wooden stick, lead pipe, or shiv that I mentioned in the ingredients list, as you’ll need it to beat off all the ravenous savages who will be lunging for these sticks.  My roommate Jeremy got his hands on one though:


So there you have it!  Feel free to make some suggestions or post some reviews in the comments section below.  Enjoy!