Recipe Remix! Goldfish Mozzarella Sticks, BAKED

Ah, this takes recipe takes me back.  The fried Goldfish mozzarella sticks were the first Goldfish-crusted concoction I ever posted to this blog, back when daily views topped at a measly 1 a day; far from the staggering 3 views a day I receive now.  We’ve come a long way.  In an effort to stay humble and remember my roots, I thought it would be fun to try this recipe again, but switch it up and bake them instead of frying.  Sounds like a good idea, right?  Well you’re wrong.  You’ve never been more wrong about anything in your life.  This was a trash fire of an experiment, a hot mess of biblical proportions.  Let me explain.

Given that there are jillions of baked mozzarella stick recipes on the internet, one would think that this would be easy to pull off and enjoyable for all.  The authors of these recipes are all lying tramps.  This is not easy to pull off, and they came out like straight garbage, yet I followed every step of these recipes to the tee.  I basically mimicked the steps of my fried Goldfish mozzarella sticks recipe up until it was cooking time – coat the cheese sticks with egg, then the ground Goldfish, then egg again and Golfish again.  Each coated stick goes on a foiled baking sheet and into the freezer for 8-24 hours.  All was good until that point.  I preheated the oven to 400 (this was the average temperature from all the recipes I read), and once it was nice and toasty in there, I threw the sticks in for the 5 minutes or so (5-7 minutes was the average baking time from these dumb ass recipes).  After the 5 minutes were up, I took them out and looked at them.  And cried.  The cheese was melting all over but the coating wasn’t cooked at all.  You ever drop an ice cream cone in the sand?  Yeah.  The oven had a thermometer in it so I knew for sure it was at 400, and I timed it diligently with my trusty wristwatch.

I therefore conclude that baking mozzarella sticks is not possible, and that it’s a huge scam propagated by Big Oven.  This was a disaster on par with my twice-baked potato fail of 2013.  I had photos of this debacle, but they are so gruesome that they’ll likely get flagged by WordPress for being too obscene.  I also lost the cord that hooks my camera up to my laptop, so there’s that too.

Lesson learned.  Fry everything.

Recipe #1: Goldfish Mozzarella Sticks

We’re gonna start with the recipe that inspired me to start this blog – Goldfish-breaded mozzarella sticks.  I got the idea for this recipe a few years back when I was invited to a Super Bowl party and wanted to whip up a lil’ suh’in suh’in.  Just a few tidbits before we jump in:

-I am NOT a cook and can barely boil water, so these recipes will be pretty simple for everyone.
-You’re gonna reek of Goldfish when you’re done making these.  You’re welcome.
-You’re gonna see some nonsensical units of measurements like “a small handful” and “a good dosing”, so feel free to convert to actual measurements if you know how to cook.
-I’ve made these several times, but I’m still perfecting the recipe, so all suggestions are welcome in the comments section.

OK first off, here’s a list of everything you’ll need.

-Goldfish- you can buy just a 6.6 oz bag, but I recommend the 30 oz carton so that you can shovel Goldfish into your mouth while you cook (kind of like what I’m doing while I’m writing this).  I went with the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar this time because I mean business.
-A few eggs
-A blender
-A small handful of Italian-style bread crumbs
-A few dashes of grated parmesan cheese.
-A pack of string cheese (feel free to experiment with different brands, but I usually go with Polly-O).  You can also cut your own sticks out of blocks of cheese and be fancy.
-Vegetable oil
-Marinara sauce for dippin’ purposes
-A wooden stick, lead pipe, or shiv


Alrighty.  So the first thing you’ll want to do it throw some Goldfish into your blender and blend until the fish are like delicious golden breadcrumbs.  Leave no survivors.  The amount shown in the photo below was way more than enough for the 9 sticks I was making.


Dump the fish crumbs into some tupperware that is wide enough to fit a mozz stick, and throw in a small handful of the breadcrumbs and an equal amount of the grated parmesan.  I add the Italian-style breadcrumbs because they give a nice added flavor, but you can exclude them if you want.  Mix that isht up and you’ll get something like this:


Okay, now set up a station where you have your breading mix, a bowl of the eggs all whisked up, the unwrapped cheese sticks, and a baking sheet with tin foil over it.  Get yerself a fork and a knife too.  Start out by stabbing a stick with the fork and dipping it into the eggs… make sure it’s coated nicely.  Then you’re gonna dip the stick into the breading, and really bury it in there so the whole stick gets full crumb coverage.  Now, I repeat this process with the same stick so that they’re double-coated.  You dont have to do this, but double coating will make the sticks crunchier and Goldfishier.  Once the stick is coated to your liking, take the knife and slide the stick off the fork and onto the baking sheet.  The knife is key because if you use your finger, the egg and crumbs will stick to you and you’ll have a big bald spot that you have to patch back on.


Once you do this to all the sticks, put the baking sheet in the freezer, uncovered (or maybe covered, that sounds more sanitary) and freeze for at least two hours.  You can freeze them overnight as well.  The reason we freeze is so that the sticks don’t turn to mush when you start frying them.


(Do not judge me for only having ice cream and ice cubes in my freezer!)

OK so now your sticks are frozen.  Grab yourself a relatively deep frying pan (the pan I used in the photo below is a bit too shallow, I had scalding oil splashing all over the place when I dropped them in).  Pour a good dose of veggie oil into the pan.. enough so that about half the stick would be submerged when you drop it in.  I don’t own a deep fryer, but if you have one, go for it because that would probably be awesome.  Start heating the oil on medium heat (this is where it gets tricky.. you don’t want to burn the Goldfish exterior, but you need the cheese inside to melt, so I find that medium heat is the way to go, but feel free to experiment).


Oh, and start heating up your sauce.  Fry the sticks about 20-30 seconds on each side.  If the breading is burning before the cheese starts melting, lower your burner.  You know how Ballpark franks “plump when you cook ’em”?  Well Goldfish mozz sticks will “slightly ooze cheese when you cook ’em”.  That’s when you know they’re done, when the cheese starts peeking out of the breading. Fry a few at a time, and then transfer them to a plate with paper towels on it so that it soaks up the oil.  Pat them slightly with another paper towel as well.  Now put your heated sauce in a little cup and transfer the sticks to a different plate  and serve those mofos!  (I had to “taste test” 3 of the sticks while frying them)


Now grab the wooden stick, lead pipe, or shiv that I mentioned in the ingredients list, as you’ll need it to beat off all the ravenous savages who will be lunging for these sticks.  My roommate Jeremy got his hands on one though:


So there you have it!  Feel free to make some suggestions or post some reviews in the comments section below.  Enjoy!