My Goldfish Halloween Costume

Happy Halloween ghouls and goblins!  Actually, more like Happy Thanksgiving, turkeys!  Sorry that this is a month late, but I was waiting on additional photos that are evidently non-existant.  But check it out, I was a bag of Goldfish crackers for Halloween this year!  Here’s how I made the costume.

First, I got one of those 30 gallon leaf bags that people with lawns use for raking.  Actually, I got 5 because the internets doesn’t let you buy just one apparently.

Leaf bag

I was hoping to find a white one so I wouldn’t have to paint it, but alas, True Value doesn’t cater to weirdos.  My first idea was to spray paint the whole thing white and then draw the package design on with markers, but this project started about 36 hours prior to Halloween, so I had no time for that nonsense.  Instead, I google image searched for a good picture of the front of a Goldfish bag, sent it to Kinkos, and asked them to print it as an 18×24 poster.  They did it in half a day!  Lookie here:

goldfish package image

Not bad, Kinkos!

I cut the border off and proceeded to ghetto rig attach the poster to the bag using duct tape.

Goldfish halloween costume taped

I also threw in some staples for good measure.  Now onto the painting.  I live in an apartment and don’t have a yard, so this was a tricky situation.  I figured that spray painting on the sidewalk in front of the school across the street would get me arrested in about 4 seconds, so I climbed out my kitchen window and tarped my fire escape and started spraying with wild abandon.  Despite being outside, I managed to stink up my apartment so bad that I had to leave, but it came out pretty sweet!

painted goldfish bag

For the back, I decided to write out the nutrition facts and ingredients.  This was a grueling endeavor, as it took every ounce of control to keep my chicken scratch handwriting from coming out, and even still, I did a pretty lousy job.

goldfish costume ingredients

Did my 3 year-old niece write this?

I also snuck a special ingredient into the list:

made with smiles and

Time to cut the holes for the arms and cut out the bottom.  After some adjustments to the neck hole to prevent strangulation, the costume was completed!  I threw on a white thermal and black jeans and was on my way.

goldfish costume

I forgot to take a pic of the back while I was wearing it, so this photo below was from the following morning and kinda looks like I wrestled a honey badger in this thing, but you get the gist.

finished back of goldfish cracker costume

Rough night…

Oh, and I wore a fanny pack underneath and had a ziplock bag full of Goldfish crackers in it.  Folks were a bit grossed out at the sight of me seemingly pulling Goldfish out of my underwear and handing them out, but people still ate them.  Because Goldfish.



New car!

As sad as I was to bid adieu to my trusty steed of 15 years, my 1998 Ford Escort, I have to admit that I am truly enjoying the fancy features of my new car.  I can now make the windows go up and down by pressing a button, pop the trunk from the inside of the car, and have both heat AND air conditioning.. welcome to 1950s luxury!  The finest feature of all can be seen below though:

wait for it...

wait for it…Goldfish compartment open

I paid an extra $85,000 for this feature, but how could I live without a Goldfish compartment???  More important than working brakes if you ask me.  Now all I need is fingerprint identification locks for the compartment and I’ll be all set.


Custom Goldfish!

First off, I’d like to issue an apology to all my Goldficianados for my absence – I’ve been a bad blogger and an awful human being to all of you.  I hope you haven’t left me for another Goldfish cracker-themed blog.  I blame my new TV,  Vince Gilligan for creating Breaking Bad, and the NY Knicks (because they should be blamed for all that’s wrong with the world) for my lack of posts.  That being said, I’m returning with a doozy:  I got my hands on some custom, tricked-out bags of Goldfish, bitchezzzzzzzzzzz!

My best bud Jeremy has had his birthday party on Fire Island the last couple years, so I got the idea of getting him some personalized Goldfish swag and busting it out during the evening’s festivities.  I went over to (yes, that’s actually a thing) and the website allows you to order personalized cartons of ‘fish and you can write whatever the eff you want on it and upload pictures on two sides and PICK THE COLOR(S) OF GOLDFISH YOU WANT.  You can also get little containers or the standard sack size.  I did the damn thing and clicked submit like a boss.  Check out what arrived!

The suspense!

SHOCKED the delivery guy didn’t just steal this box as soon as he saw it.  Look at it!

So the containers were glossy cardboard and I had to assemble them, but it was easy.  The Goldfish came in individual baggies which surprised me but makes total sense.  Here’s the finished product:

side 1

Side 1

Side 2

Side 2, with my personalized instructions

I got a dozen of these puppies and hid them in my closet until the big bday party… which didn’t happen.  Fire Island never materialized, so I brought them to kickball and handed them out to the team instead.




Success!  I’m pretty sure we kicked 3249857 home runs that day because of the power the ‘fish bestowed upon us.  All in all, it cost about $70, which is a small price to pay for 3249857 home runs and happy birthday boy.  You don’t have to spend that much though.. after all, it’s called Goldfish My Way.  Do you, son.

frank my way

Whelp, I already know what I’m gonna be for Halloween next year!



That would be a gigantic Goldfish costume.  Don’t ask me how you breathe in there, but that’s not important.  Breathing is secondary to looking amazing in this Goldfish suit.  Check out the glorious side profile:

goldfish suit

Now how do you eat and drink while you’re wearing that thing?  That’s the question.  The costume is so big you could probably build cup holders inside it and just stash a bunch of beers in there and drop the empties out the bottom when you’re done with them.  You can even fall down a flight of steps in that thing and be totally fine!  It’s also perfect for driving during the day since you’ll be wearing a 10 foot long pair of sunglasses and won’t even need your car’s airbags!

I’m headed to New Orleans this weekend so hopefully I’ll find some crawfish Goldfish down there or get inspired to make a Goldfish po-boy when I get back.  Stay tuned!


I don’t even remember how I found this on the internet, but apparently Pepperidge Farm had this 5-ton masterpiece driving all over the country handing out Goldfish about 10 years ago:

Why wasn’t I notified of this??  You’re too good for Brooklyn, Goldfishmobile?  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that… please come to my house and I’ll apologize in person.  And bring the 5,031,936 Goldfish you can supposedly carry inside you.

First off, can we talk about the girl at 0:27?   Effing priceless.  And how did this Rob Knowles character get the job of driving the Goldfishmobile?  I guess it pays to be Beyonce’s brother.  Bastard.

I dug around a little more and discovered that the Goldfishmobile was created by the same people who made the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, check it out:   They even make a Peep Bus and a Yoohoo garbage truck… patio… thing..

Their website gives photos of the fabrication of this beast:

I shall use this information to make my own!  Bye bye, 1998 Ford Escort SE (Shitty Edition)!  You can only fit 249,412 Goldfish inside you?  Pathetic.  You’re dead to me.