Homemade Goldfish Snack Sighting!

My buddy Stu had an Arrested Development party this past Sunday and whipped up these bad boys:



That’s right.  That’s a hunk of chocolate with Goldfish in it.  I asked him what the recipe was so I could post it to the blog, and he said “I just took a bunch of chocolate and threw Goldfish in it.”  Boom.  It was genius in it’s simplicity, yet a achieved beautiful harmony of salty and sweet.  A munchstrocity of epic proportions.  Truly Stu-pendous.


I don’t even remember how I found this on the internet, but apparently Pepperidge Farm had this 5-ton masterpiece driving all over the country handing out Goldfish about 10 years ago:

Why wasn’t I notified of this??  You’re too good for Brooklyn, Goldfishmobile?  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that… please come to my house and I’ll apologize in person.  And bring the 5,031,936 Goldfish you can supposedly carry inside you.

First off, can we talk about the girl at 0:27?   Effing priceless.  And how did this Rob Knowles character get the job of driving the Goldfishmobile?  I guess it pays to be Beyonce’s brother.  Bastard.

I dug around a little more and discovered that the Goldfishmobile was created by the same people who made the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, check it out:  http://www.prototypesource.com/vehicles-1.htm   They even make a Peep Bus and a Yoohoo garbage truck… patio… thing..

Their website gives photos of the fabrication of this beast:

I shall use this information to make my own!  Bye bye, 1998 Ford Escort SE (Shitty Edition)!  You can only fit 249,412 Goldfish inside you?  Pathetic.  You’re dead to me.

Recipe #3: Goldfish Twice-Baked Potatoes


Well I had a great run of two whole recipes without effing something up, so I should’ve known I was due for a total debacle. And today folks, that debacle is called Goldfish Twice-Baked Potatoes.

Not only did they come out bad, but it was a total mess to make and was a generally frustrating experience.  In case you actually know how to cook and what to give these a shot, here’s the recipe I followed:

-4 large potatoes
-1/2 cup of milk
-1 cup sour cream
-1/2 teaspoon of salt and 1/2 teaspoon of pepper
-8 chives, diced up small
-4 tbsp of buttah
-1 cup of shredded cheddar
-1/2 cup of Goldfish crumbs

Some perfectly good food, about to be ruined.

Some perfectly good food about to be ruined.

OK, so you’ll want to preheat your oven to 350 and poke some holes in your potatoes with a fork because I hear they can explode in your oven if you don’t (is that even true?).  Toss ’em in the oven and bake for an hour.  In the meantime, throw the milk, butter, sour cream, salt n pepper, half of the cheese and half of the chives in the bowl.  When the hour is up, take the potatoes out, let them cool for 10 minutes, and then slice them in half:


I’m fairly sure that the potatoes weren’t baked enough and I should’ve put them back in for another 10 minutes or so, but I figured they’d get a chance to bake again when I bake the 2nd time.  Now take a spoon and gut out the potatoes and try your best to leave the skins in tact without tearing them or leaving big chunks of potato in them.  This is an impossible endeavor.  I was trying to take a photo while holding a potato in one hand and a spoon in the other, as you can see from the masterpiece below:

Might as well just give me the pulitzer prize for photography now

Might as well just give me the Pulitzer Prize for photography now and get it over with

All I can say is to take your time scooping and don’t rush.  Also, be sure to completely separate the potato halves cleanly, because some of mine tore when I tried to separate them.

The potato in the top left is a prime example of why you shouldn't rush

The potato in the top left is a prime example of why you shouldn’t rush

Now that you’ve dumped your tater flesh into the bowl, get a hand mixer or a whisk and mix everything up.  Once its all smooth and creamy, get your spoon and scoop the mixture back into the potato skins.

I made a complete mess doing this

I made a royal mess doing this

At this point I am sweating profusely from the heat of the oven inside my already hot apartment.  Good times.  Now sprinkle the Goldfish crumbs and the rest of the chives and cheese on top (I forgot to add the cheese in the chaos of the moment) and throw those puppies back in the oven.



Bake for about 15 minutes and then take them out, and they’re ready to serve.

Wait, could these actually turn out OK?

Wait, could these actually turn out OK?
No. No they did not.

Hoo-boy, were these a mushy pile of sh!t.  I couldn’t even pick up the potato without it nearly falling apart in my hand like an over-topped slice of pizza.  They had the consistency of mashed potatoes and didn’t have the crispy skin on top like good twice-bakeds have (my Aunt Patricia makes the best ever).  Definitely too much sour cream and milk.  These would be a lot better if I used 1/4 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of sour cream.  Also, the Goldfish on top just spilled off and had a dusty texture when you ate them with the mushy potatoes.



I mixed the Goldfish crumbs up into the potatoes and that helped a lot though.  I’m tempted to take the leftover potatoes out of the skins and throw them in a bowl and just reheat them as mashed potatoes because they wouldn’t be too shabby that way.  I’d much rather punt them out the window.  So yeah, definitely use less milk and sour cream, and don’t forget to add the extra cheese on top of the refilled potatoes because I think that helps give it the skin.  I don’t even remember what website I found the twice-baked potato recipe on, but I remembered to file it in the appropriate place:

Go away and don't ever come back

Go away and don’t ever come back,
you vagabond.

Oh well.  This will probably be the first of many “Goldfails”, so stay tuned!  I’ll post a poll for my next taste test later this week.

New respect for Kelly Ripa

Apparently Kelly Ripa is a big fan of Goldfish and would never give them up:

It turns out she is a filthy liar though!  For some insane, inexplicable reason, she gave up Goldfish for Lent.  Here’s a random interview I found on the intrawebz:
Is there a food you can’t keep in the house because you’ll eat it in one setting? I saw your tweet about Girl Scout cookies.

“You know Girl Scout cookies are only once a year. I don’t have a tremendous sweet tooth, so I’m great with keeping sweets, ice cream, and all of that.
My big downfall is, and I gave them up for Lent, Pepperidge Farm goldfish. Even in the giant gallon box, I will sit and eat them. And I stress eat them while I’m watching The Biggest Loser or American Idol or anything where someone is about to be eliminated. I just stuff my face with goldfish crackers!”

But thankfully, Lent is only temporary and she was excited to get her back to her fish, as per her tweeter:

Only 5 days till I’m back to my goldfish crackers! http://plixi.com/p/94033192
4:37 PM – 19 Apr 11

Prior to discovering this, I was pretty indifferent towards Kelly Ripa, but after reading that she eats out of the gallon box and stuffs her face with them, I have a whole new respect for her, despite her inexcusable mistake of giving them up.  Hopefully next year she gives up Lent for Lent.  Kelly, you can atone for your sins by having me on your show as a weekly segment where I cook up my Goldfish recipes.  Call me.

G’day! Goldfish down undah!

This commercial is actually kind of terrifying:

This is from 1999.. It’s crazy how long Flavor (or “Flavour”, in this case) Blasted Goldfish have been around, I still think of them as relatively new.  Also, CHICKEN flavored????  The Aussies are either genius or completely disgusting, I can’t decide.  Salt n’ vinegar sound pretty good though, I wonder why that hasn’t happened here.  And is it me, or are these kids all hopped up on bath salts??  Maybe the flavor is actually bath salt n vinegar.