Recipe #7: Sharkuterie

Oh, hi!  Your friendly neighborhood Goldfisherman is back after a brief 3.5-year hiatus with a new recipe for all my Goldfishionados!  I won’t go into detail about where I’ve been, but I will say that no, I had not Flavor Blasted myself to an early demise, and no, Pepperidge Farm had not sued me for creating unsanctioned and unholy concoctions with their products.   I’ve just been busy with life I guess.  I’ve moved twice, and as you will see, I STILL have no counter space!  That hasn’t prevented me from putting together a delicious new creation for you, right on the edge of the counter and up against the sink, which had a hanging planter in it for some reason.

So one thing I want to warn you about before we jump in is that this recipe does not predominantly feature Goldfish.  They are involved, but more in a supporting role.  I got the idea for this recently when I heard someone say the word “charcuterie”, and it made me realize that the first half of that word sounds like “shark”.  Then I wondered if I could make a charcuterie platter in the shape of a shark and call it sharkuterie.  Then I wondered how I could incorporate Goldfish.   Then I wondered if my brain was unwell since this is what goes on inside my head.  I did a quick google search to see if it had been done before, and it hasn’t, much to my surprise.  It was time to dust off the ol’ meat cleaver and get back to work.

I’m not even sure if I can call this a recipe since there’s no cooking involved, but here’s what you’ll need to put all this together:

  • A baguette (woah, bullet points!  WordPress has gotten fancy since 2015!)
  • Various sliced meats and cheeses.  Up to you which kinds, but use a cheese that slices easily and doesn’t crumble.
  • An olive or two
  • Goldfish!  Whichever flavor you want.  Unleash your wild side.

OK.  First thing you’ll wanna do is figure out which end of the baguette you want to be the head and which you want to be the tail end.  The tail end should be more narrow, but if you’re working with a perfectly symmetrical baguette, then don’t sweat it.  Just take a moment to marvel at its beautiful and flawless symmetry.  At the tail end, use a serrated (here I am thinking it was spelled “seraded”) knife and slice some bread off to make a narrow back side.  Be deliberate and fearless with your cuts because if you go in weakly, the bread will tear and it’ll look bad.  Sharks smell fear!

As you see in the pic on the right, the next step is to turn the bread shavings you just made into the fins.  Cut a piece into the shape of a tail fin, and cut a slit through the shaved part of the bread that you can slide the fin piece through.   Then do the same for the dorsal fin on the top and pectoral fin on the bottom (you can tell I learned my shark fins throughout this process!).


Just be careful if your bread is on the staler side because the fins may crack.   Now you can make a little cutout for the mouth.  I know it’s a scary shark, but go in strong!


You can tell I wasn’t fearless since my mouth came out a little torn.  All good though, it kinda looks like it has teeth this way.  Now check it out, a baguette shark!


A Great White(bread)

OK then, it’s now time to create the sea of cheese that it will swim in.  I had a block of cheddar and one of those cheese shavers, and my plan was to shave from the corner for a triangle shape that I could use at the top of the water and create a wave effect, like ^^^^^^^


This picture probably doesn’t need to be this large…

This did not go according to plan though, since the cheese started crumbling towards the center of the block.  No worries, cheese is cheese and it will be devoured regardless.  You may want to go for a pre-sliced cheese to make it prettier though.

Once your ocean is set up, leave a small space in the center of your plate for the shark to sit, and below it will be your meat-based ocean floor.  I laid down some capicola along the bottom of the plate, and I sliced some salami rolled in mozzarella and placed the pieces on top of the capicola for some coral reef action.


I also rolled some prosciutto and more salami to make additional underwater plant life.


Time to plop down the shark!   Here’s where the olive comes in.  Cut it in half, take a tooth pick, and stick it through your shark to create the eye.



Feel free to put one on the other side if you wish, but olives are nature’s poison to me and I try to avoid them at all costs.

Now here comes the best part ; the mutherfrikkin Goldfish.  These will act as the “pilot fish” in the display, clinging to the shark for safety while feasting on the scraps of food that fall from its mouth.  Or scraps of salted, cured Italian meats in this case.  Kind of like your dog while you’re in your kitchen eating that Italian Combo from the deli.  Sprinkle some fishies along the sides of the shark like so:


Behold, your very own sharkuterie!  I brought mine to a Super Bowl party and it was a hit, despite people being reluctant to cut the shark up.  If this happens to you, slice a few pieces yourself to break the ice.  After all, shark meat is a delicacy in some countries.  I will tell you that the first items to get eaten off the platter were the Goldfish.  Because obviously.   Good thing I brought the bag to replenish the supply (and snack on for 3 hours straight in lieu of eating an actual dinner).  Enjoy!