Recipe #5: Goldfish Stuffing

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  Now that you’ve consumed 180,000,000 calories worth of pie and had to file a disability claim in order to work from home because you can’t fit through the subway car doors, I figured this would be a great time to post my new recipe so you can eat even more and continue to live the dream.  I bring you… Goldfish Stuffing!

InGREEDYents (see what I did there?):

A fat-ass loaf of bread.  I picked sourdough, but you should pick something else because.. well.. you’ll see.
A 10.75 can of cream of mushroom soup
A 10.75 can of vegetable broth
2 teaspoons of water (I know a guy who can get you this at a decent price, holla at ya boy)
1 teaspoon of poultry dressing or Adobo or something similar
Pepper and salt (I switched the words around just for the sake of switching them.  I went there.)
1/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 cup of crushed up pecans
An absurd amount of Goldfish



Dramatic pic, eh?

OK.  Now.  Pick off small pieces of the bread and throw it in the bowl until it’s all gone.  Then take all that other crap and dump it in a bowl and mush it together with your grubby mitts.  You can toss the Goldfish in whole or lightly crush them in your hand, but it doesn’t have to be crumbified (I guess it can be if you want it to be, but it won’t be as visible if it is).


Then, take this sticky abomination out of the bowl and form a loaf out of it and wrap it in foil.  Den trow da ting in da oven and bake dat ting for like an hour on tree-fiddy (I’m Jamaican all of a sudden?).  Take it out and you have this:



Yes, it kind of looks like your dog got sick from eating out of the garbage.  BUT it tastes (slightly) better than that!  In fact, you can even make it taste GOOD if you do the following:

– Don’t use sourdough.  Nothing against sourdough, but the taste overpowers everything else.  Go plain white or Italian bread.

– Go easy on the cream of mushroom soup.  Use like 7 or 8 ounces instead of 10.

– Use equal parts bread and Goldfish – this is key.  I used the loaf of bread and then just tossed in handfuls of ‘fish, but I could barely see or taste the ‘fish when it was done.  Half and half, ya herd?

Somebody try that and let me know how it goes!  ‘Tis the season to give the twice-baked potatoes another try too.  Bring those two dishes to your next family holiday party and drop it on the table all like, “boom.” and your family will be like, “whaaaaaa??” and you’ll be like, “yup.” and they’ll be all like, “Is Chris OK?  This is weird…” when you’re in the other room, and you’ll be all like, “I can hear you!”.  Happy Holidays!

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