Pizza, revolutionized.

Well, I recently realized that my life until this point was a failure.  I had been so blind to an idea so simple.  But now I am embarking on a whole new world of deliciousness and I’d like to bring you all along for the ride:

goldfish pizza

 

It makes so much goddam sense that I’m questioning my intelligence for taking so long to think of it.  Now if I can only convince the pizza guy to roll Goldfish into the crust as when he’s preparing the pie….

New car!

As sad as I was to bid adieu to my trusty steed of 15 years, my 1998 Ford Escort, I have to admit that I am truly enjoying the fancy features of my new car.  I can now make the windows go up and down by pressing a button, pop the trunk from the inside of the car, and have both heat AND air conditioning.. welcome to 1950s luxury!  The finest feature of all can be seen below though:

wait for it...

wait for it…Goldfish compartment open

I paid an extra $85,000 for this feature, but how could I live without a Goldfish compartment???  More important than working brakes if you ask me.  Now all I need is fingerprint identification locks for the compartment and I’ll be all set.

 

Breaking: The person who played Cindy in D3: The Mighty Ducks and Jogger in the 2004 TV special The Rutles 2: Can’t Buy Me Lunch gives her kid Goldfish crackers

Everyone STOP what you’re doing and read this immediately:

Samantha Harris’ mommy must-have? Goldfish crackers! “I love that the Goldfish [line] has whole grain [varieties] now, so I feel better about [my daughter, Josselyn] eating them,” she tells Us.

Just take that in and remember it because years from now when you have grandkids, they’re going to ask you about it when The Rutles 2 comes on and they see the woman jogging on the screen and ask you what you think she fed her kids as a healthy snack alternative in real life.  You’re welcome.

School’s back in session

How appropriate that I encountered a school of fish in my sack of Goldfish!

school

“Ring the bell, school’s in, sucka”

That’s a three-headed ghidorah of deliciousness.  But what does it mean?  It must be a sign… but what??  I should consume 3 times more Goldfish than I do?  Probably.  Somebody get me a backhoe and a funnel the size of a bathtub, toot sweet!

Recipe #5: Goldfish Stuffing

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  Now that you’ve consumed 180,000,000 calories worth of pie and had to file a disability claim in order to work from home because you can’t fit through the subway car doors, I figured this would be a great time to post my new recipe so you can eat even more and continue to live the dream.  I bring you… Goldfish Stuffing!

InGREEDYents (see what I did there?):

A fat-ass loaf of bread.  I picked sourdough, but you should pick something else because.. well.. you’ll see.
A 10.75 can of cream of mushroom soup
A 10.75 can of vegetable broth
2 teaspoons of water (I know a guy who can get you this at a decent price, holla at ya boy)
1 teaspoon of poultry dressing or Adobo or something similar
Pepper and salt (I switched the words around just for the sake of switching them.  I went there.)
1/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 cup of crushed up pecans
An absurd amount of Goldfish

Spread

Bread

Dramatic pic, eh?

OK.  Now.  Pick off small pieces of the bread and throw it in the bowl until it’s all gone.  Then take all that other crap and dump it in a bowl and mush it together with your grubby mitts.  You can toss the Goldfish in whole or lightly crush them in your hand, but it doesn’t have to be crumbified (I guess it can be if you want it to be, but it won’t be as visible if it is).

Mixture

Then, take this sticky abomination out of the bowl and form a loaf out of it and wrap it in foil.  Den trow da ting in da oven and bake dat ting for like an hour on tree-fiddy (I’m Jamaican all of a sudden?).  Take it out and you have this:

Cooked

Uhhh…

Yes, it kind of looks like your dog got sick from eating out of the garbage.  BUT it tastes (slightly) better than that!  In fact, you can even make it taste GOOD if you do the following:

– Don’t use sourdough.  Nothing against sourdough, but the taste overpowers everything else.  Go plain white or Italian bread.

– Go easy on the cream of mushroom soup.  Use like 7 or 8 ounces instead of 10.

– Use equal parts bread and Goldfish – this is key.  I used the loaf of bread and then just tossed in handfuls of ‘fish, but I could barely see or taste the ‘fish when it was done.  Half and half, ya herd?

Somebody try that and let me know how it goes!  ‘Tis the season to give the twice-baked potatoes another try too.  Bring those two dishes to your next family holiday party and drop it on the table all like, “boom.” and your family will be like, “whaaaaaa??” and you’ll be like, “yup.” and they’ll be all like, “Is Chris OK?  This is weird…” when you’re in the other room, and you’ll be all like, “I can hear you!”.  Happy Holidays!

Custom Goldfish!

First off, I’d like to issue an apology to all my Goldficianados for my absence – I’ve been a bad blogger and an awful human being to all of you.  I hope you haven’t left me for another Goldfish cracker-themed blog.  I blame my new TV,  Vince Gilligan for creating Breaking Bad, and the NY Knicks (because they should be blamed for all that’s wrong with the world) for my lack of posts.  That being said, I’m returning with a doozy:  I got my hands on some custom, tricked-out bags of Goldfish, bitchezzzzzzzzzzz!

My best bud Jeremy has had his birthday party on Fire Island the last couple years, so I got the idea of getting him some personalized Goldfish swag and busting it out during the evening’s festivities.  I went over to goldfishmyway.com (yes, that’s actually a thing) and the website allows you to order personalized cartons of ‘fish and you can write whatever the eff you want on it and upload pictures on two sides and PICK THE COLOR(S) OF GOLDFISH YOU WANT.  You can also get little containers or the standard sack size.  I did the damn thing and clicked submit like a boss.  Check out what arrived!

The suspense!

SHOCKED the delivery guy didn’t just steal this box as soon as he saw it.  Look at it!

So the containers were glossy cardboard and I had to assemble them, but it was easy.  The Goldfish came in individual baggies which surprised me but makes total sense.  Here’s the finished product:

side 1

Side 1

Side 2

Side 2, with my personalized instructions

I got a dozen of these puppies and hid them in my closet until the big bday party… which didn’t happen.  Fire Island never materialized, so I brought them to kickball and handed them out to the team instead.

jer1

jer2

jer3

Success!  I’m pretty sure we kicked 3249857 home runs that day because of the power the ‘fish bestowed upon us.  All in all, it cost about $70, which is a small price to pay for 3249857 home runs and happy birthday boy.  You don’t have to spend that much though.. after all, it’s called Goldfish My Way.  Do you, son.

frank my way

26 signs your addiction to Goldfish has gotten out of control

Buzzfeed, you get me:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/kristinchirico/signs-your-addiction-to-goldfish-crackers-has-gotten-out

Why didn’t I think to post something like that??  Or think to create that Goldfish treadmill/assembly line in #2?  I’m slippin’..