Recipe #1: Goldfish Mozzarella Sticks

We’re gonna start with the recipe that inspired me to start this blog – Goldfish-breaded mozzarella sticks.  I got the idea for this recipe a few years back when I was invited to a Super Bowl party and wanted to whip up a lil’ suh’in suh’in.  Just a few tidbits before we jump in:

-I am NOT a cook and can barely boil water, so these recipes will be pretty simple for everyone.
-You’re gonna reek of Goldfish when you’re done making these.  You’re welcome.
-You’re gonna see some nonsensical units of measurements like “a small handful” and “a good dosing”, so feel free to convert to actual measurements if you know how to cook.
-I’ve made these several times, but I’m still perfecting the recipe, so all suggestions are welcome in the comments section.

OK first off, here’s a list of everything you’ll need.

-Goldfish- you can buy just a 6.6 oz bag, but I recommend the 30 oz carton so that you can shovel Goldfish into your mouth while you cook (kind of like what I’m doing while I’m writing this).  I went with the Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar this time because I mean business.
-A few eggs
-A blender
-A small handful of Italian-style bread crumbs
-A few dashes of grated parmesan cheese.
-A pack of string cheese (feel free to experiment with different brands, but I usually go with Polly-O).  You can also cut your own sticks out of blocks of cheese and be fancy.
-Vegetable oil
-Marinara sauce for dippin’ purposes
-A wooden stick, lead pipe, or shiv


Alrighty.  So the first thing you’ll want to do it throw some Goldfish into your blender and blend until the fish are like delicious golden breadcrumbs.  Leave no survivors.  The amount shown in the photo below was way more than enough for the 9 sticks I was making.


Dump the fish crumbs into some tupperware that is wide enough to fit a mozz stick, and throw in a small handful of the breadcrumbs and an equal amount of the grated parmesan.  I add the Italian-style breadcrumbs because they give a nice added flavor, but you can exclude them if you want.  Mix that isht up and you’ll get something like this:


Okay, now set up a station where you have your breading mix, a bowl of the eggs all whisked up, the unwrapped cheese sticks, and a baking sheet with tin foil over it.  Get yerself a fork and a knife too.  Start out by stabbing a stick with the fork and dipping it into the eggs… make sure it’s coated nicely.  Then you’re gonna dip the stick into the breading, and really bury it in there so the whole stick gets full crumb coverage.  Now, I repeat this process with the same stick so that they’re double-coated.  You dont have to do this, but double coating will make the sticks crunchier and Goldfishier.  Once the stick is coated to your liking, take the knife and slide the stick off the fork and onto the baking sheet.  The knife is key because if you use your finger, the egg and crumbs will stick to you and you’ll have a big bald spot that you have to patch back on.


Once you do this to all the sticks, put the baking sheet in the freezer, uncovered (or maybe covered, that sounds more sanitary) and freeze for at least two hours.  You can freeze them overnight as well.  The reason we freeze is so that the sticks don’t turn to mush when you start frying them.


(Do not judge me for only having ice cream and ice cubes in my freezer!)

OK so now your sticks are frozen.  Grab yourself a relatively deep frying pan (the pan I used in the photo below is a bit too shallow, I had scalding oil splashing all over the place when I dropped them in).  Pour a good dose of veggie oil into the pan.. enough so that about half the stick would be submerged when you drop it in.  I don’t own a deep fryer, but if you have one, go for it because that would probably be awesome.  Start heating the oil on medium heat (this is where it gets tricky.. you don’t want to burn the Goldfish exterior, but you need the cheese inside to melt, so I find that medium heat is the way to go, but feel free to experiment).


Oh, and start heating up your sauce.  Fry the sticks about 20-30 seconds on each side.  If the breading is burning before the cheese starts melting, lower your burner.  You know how Ballpark franks “plump when you cook ’em”?  Well Goldfish mozz sticks will “slightly ooze cheese when you cook ’em”.  That’s when you know they’re done, when the cheese starts peeking out of the breading. Fry a few at a time, and then transfer them to a plate with paper towels on it so that it soaks up the oil.  Pat them slightly with another paper towel as well.  Now put your heated sauce in a little cup and transfer the sticks to a different plate  and serve those mofos!  (I had to “taste test” 3 of the sticks while frying them)


Now grab the wooden stick, lead pipe, or shiv that I mentioned in the ingredients list, as you’ll need it to beat off all the ravenous savages who will be lunging for these sticks.  My roommate Jeremy got his hands on one though:


So there you have it!  Feel free to make some suggestions or post some reviews in the comments section below.  Enjoy!

Woman finds God in Goldfish

Further proof that these snacks are sent from the heavens above.

A few thoughts:

1. This woman eats POUNDS of Goldfish every week and looks at each one individually before she eats it.  That sounds like it would take up her entire week, but when you do the math, it’s not too bad.  Lets say she eats two of the 1.87 lb. cartons a week (amateur hour, but you gotta start somewhere)..that’s 3.74 pounds of Goldfish per week.  At 51 pieces per serving and 28 servings per carton, there are about 1428 fish per carton, so multiply that by two and thats 2856 fish she’s eating per week.  If she looks at each individual one before she eats it, lets estimate that it takes her 5 seconds per fish.  5 x 2856 = 14280 seconds a week eating Goldfish.  Divide that by 60 and you get 238 minutes.  Divide that by 60 and you get almost 4 hours.  Reasonable, no???

2. I love how she put it in a wedding ring box.  If a woman proposed to me with a Goldfish in a ring box, I would weep with pure joy and say yes faster than you can say “Holy trans fatrimony”.

3.  She contacted Pepperidge Farm to tell them about it, and they told her “it sounds like something miraculous happened”.  Yeah, the phillips head screw that made the cross in that fish miraculously didn’t end up in the carton she bought, and they are miraculously not getting sued.